THE WEAKNESS IN ME
by lovelyLittleleni
Summary: Since last night's ending of "Stairway to heaven" felt a bit incomplete, I wrote my own take on it. MERDER


DISCLAIMER:I don't own, nor do I have any affiliation with Grey's Anatomy.

**THE WEAKNESS IN ME  
**

**A/N: After I watched last night's episode I kind of felt incomplete about the MerDer scene at the end. Suddenly something popped in my head and I wrote it down for me, when I somehow found myself some hours later with this story. =)**

**I'm posting it now, because there are probably more people out there who felt like me.**

**Thanks so much for reading!

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**Death. Death means pain. Death means tears. Death means broken people. But sometimes … sometimes death means relief. Death means comfort. Death means … release.

It was a good thing he died.

It was a good thing, since the atrocious acts he had done. The people he had hurt.

And it was a good thing, because of him. His pain, his fear… they were gone. After all, it _was_ good.

But Meredith couldn't stop crying.

The wardens opened the door for her and she didn't even notice them.

She was just crying.

She was crying to wash away the pain. To wash away the tears and the broken inside death brings to people.

She was crying for relief. She was crying to comfort herself. She was crying to get her release.

At least that was what she deeply, deeply hoped for.

She had known it would be bad.

Every cell in her body screamed it would be bad!

That she would regret it.

But she also knew, if she didn't do it, she could never forgive herself.

She _knew_ he needed this.

He needed to see her face. She was the last face he wanted to see.

She was the last face who was capable of seeing _him._

She was the girl with the mass-murderer. She was the one who was dark' n twisty.

Which was her bond to him.

She was able to feel compassion for the mass-murderer.

The death-row guy. William.

She was sorry for him.

How could she? _How could she?_

_Oh, the irony…_

The question she had been asking herself over and over again.. there they were. Again.

Tears still were streaming down Meredith's cheeks as she angrily stomped her feet into the wet ground.

_Why is it me? Why is it always me?_

Questions over questions kept running through her head while she felt like she had lost every single droplet of water her body held with her tears.

_Why do I have to feel sorry for mass-murderers?_

_Why can't I forget to think about my mother? _

_Why, why can't I accept being liked by Derek's mom? Why can't I let her in?_

_Why can't I let him in? Even __**him**__? Damned, I lo.. "_

Merediths head quickly shot up as she heard a little noise.

She stopped stumbling around and drove her hand furiously over her eyes to stop the tears when she saw him.

* * *

She looked so broken.

Tears were streaming down her beautiful face and wet, messy curls were clinging to her head.

She kept talking to herself in a silent but angry voice and her feet couldn't stand still.

She just looked so helpless.

An immense wave of guilt and love overcame him as he watched her when she was looking up.

Her eyes were desperately boring into his while her whole body began shaking.

Derek couldn't quite tell if she was cold or if it were the tears that brought her to shake like that, the only thing he could think about was how badly he wanted to hold her and touch her and let her feel all the emotions he held for her.

He was so distant recently, he felt like he didn't even deserve her any more if he thought of the way they interacted with each other.

They made out then and there, they kissed, but _never _the way they used to.

He didn't feel the heat boiling in his stomach the way he used to recently.

The wild, rough passion he felt every time he held her close to him.

The amazing feeling of never ending love which made him feel like he was in heaven and a thousand times higher.

He wanted to kiss her like he was drowning and her kiss was the only thing which kept him alive. He wanted to kiss her in a way that made her feel as if she was light as a feather and could fly away, he wanted to kiss her like he wanted to show her she was his forever and he was hers.

He wanted to pop the question which was running through his mind every single second of his life, every single moment since his mother had given him the ring and scream out loud the words so the whole world would know about his undying love for her.

That was all he could think about when he looked into her eyes and then all of a sudden rushed to her waiting arms.

_I love you, Meredith Grey._

_

* * *

~  
_

Meredith stopped crying when she saw him.

_That's just another effect he has on me…_

He heart suddenly felt so light.

Light as a feather. Light as if someone would have taken away the stone which was laying on it.

Light and … warm.

He had come. He had really come to see her.

He had come to see her after all she had done to him.

Of course, she had had a point, she wanted to give the poor kid the organs.

Of course she had.

But when she had heard Derek's story, the story of his dad, she felt so.. dirty.

She felt so sorry for him, she couldn't even express it to him and froze.

She could have punched herself that evening.

She could have punched herself for all she was doing was freezing.

She_ knew_ how hard it must have been for him to act all nonchalant.

But his dad, his _dad, _Derek's dad, got killed by a murderer.

A murderer.

A man, who killed some happy random people who have a life.

A happy random life with a happy random family. A family with happy parents and happy children.

And then the murderer came and destroyed the family.

Some of these families get destroyed forever.

They will never be able to turn into themselves again.

But Derek's family, the did it.

Derek's family, Derek's_ mum,_ they did it.

They got a happy family again. Without father, but they were happy.

And then she came and was feeling sorry for the first mass-murderer who crossed her way.

And she didn't even think it could affect him in any way.

Then he told her the story.

He told her the story, and she froze.

She felt such an unbelievable pain for him in her inside, that she couldn't even tell him _how_ she felt right then.

She couldn't tell him soothing words, she couldn't caress his hair or his face, she couldn't stroke his back and show her deep empathy.

All she did was pop out a plain and rather cool "I'm sorry."

She knew it actually was much for her to say.

But not in terms of Derek.

In terms of him ,she got so far that she actually started to tell him what she felt.

They got over this step.

But still she froze.

And know, know he was standing there.

He was standing there, looking at her.

He was there, even after all she did.

Even after weeks of no real moments expressing their love for each other.

After moments of pecks on the cheek in contrast to all-consuming, loving kisses.

After moments of quickies in the morning in contrast to making love to each other.

After all this time, he still was there waiting for her.

And that was all she needed.

_I love you, Derek Shepherd._

_~

* * *

~_

_**…I'm not the sort of person who falls in and quickly out of love  
But to you, I gave my affection, right from the start…**_

Derek didn't feel the cold wind and the rain on his skin as he rushed towards her.

All he could feel was warmth.

He felt warm when he looked at her tiny figure, when he thought about her big heart and her nerver ending compassion, even if the guy was a mass-murderer.

She was so kind hearted that she even could feel compassionate for people like him.

She just couldn't do it any other way.

And finally he realised, it only made him love her more.

He had felt hurt and betrayed in the beginning, but as he saw how she was fighting for what she thought was right, namely saving the organs for the little boy, all these feelings went away.

He knew how deeply it had shocked her to learn of his dad's death, and he also knew she had wanted to say so many things to him.

He had seen it in her eyes, but that wasn't just her thing.

She rarely talked about her feelings and it was hard enough for her to let someone in.

But he she wanted to let him in.

That's why he was here, running towards her to tell her all the things he felt right at the moment.

_**…Why do you come here, when you know I've got troubles enough? …**_

Meredith still didn't get why he could show up after the thing she had just done, but that didn't count any more.

He was running towards her, and all she wanted to do is kiss him and hug him and tell him that she was sorry.

Sorry about death-row guy, and his dad, and her not really opening up to him and for her- … She got interrupted in her thoughts as he approached her.

"Derek!"

Strong arms went around her tiny body as she got pressed against the warm muscled wall of his chest.

His hands stroked over her back as tears began to fall down her cheeks again.

"Oh my god, Derek, I'm so sorry.I'm so unbelievably sorry. I just.. I couldn't take it any more. Death row-guy died and he.. and Cristina doesn't talk to me and he died and you… "

Her breathing became ragged as her sobs became harder and harder.

" Please just Derek, you have to believe me, I didn't want this. I didn't want to feel compassionate for death-row guy when I heard about your dad and he.. he's just.. I didn't.. I'm so sorry, I didn't know, I would've never guessed and.."

Meredith stumbled over her words and the tears didn't stop but she couldn't stop speaking.

She couldn't stop speaking now. She just needed to tell him what she felt.

She needed him to know that she was so sorry about his dad and how much she loved him.

She just needed him to know.

"Mer.." Derek interrupted her with unbelievable warmth in his voice.

_**… And make me lie when I don't want to…**_

"… I just..I froze, Derek. I completely froze when I heard it and I couldn't even tell you how sorry I was. Because you just have to know that I am. I _am_ sorry. And I'm also sorry I didn't page you when you came in today and that I didn't tell you he was bleeding and .. now he's dead and.. he's … and you.. you're here with me.. and me, I'm .."

"Meredith." Derek cupped her face with his hands and caressed her cheek with his thumb as he chuckled about her rambling.

"I know you're sorry. I know that, Mer. And I'm not angry with you."

"You're not?" Meredith sobbed as she looked up at him and sniffled.

"Of course I'm not, Mer. I mean, I was. I was when you didn't page me."

But I'm not any more. Hell, I couldn't even be sorry with you, because I would be a damn fool if I didn't see why you did this thing with death-row guy. It's just so you, Mer, it's entirely you to feel sorry for him."

Meredith looked at him with disbelief in her eyes.

_How could someone be just so entirely perfect?_

"…You're the most compassionate person I know. You don't look at things like "mass-murderer" when it comes to just look at the person. Not at what she 's a quality I would never want you to loose, Mer."

Meredith stared at his face as she saw his features soften with every word.

Her tears stopped from falling and she felt like the sun had just began to rise inside of her.

Warmth was pooling in her stomach as one hundred different emotions rushed though her body making her shudder.

"…Even if you hurt me in the beginning, but you didn't know about my dad and I know you're sorry . I know _you_, Mer."

**_...If you're so strong then resolve the weakness in me...._**

Meredith couldn't take it any longer.

She stumbled against the tree behind her and pulled Derek with her.

"Meredith? Are you feeling bad? Are you dizzy?" he asked her with concern in his voice as she leaned against the cool, wet tree.

Meredith smiled at the suddenly worried look on his face.

"No."

Derek stroked her cheek as he put his hand on her forehead to check if she had a temper.

"Do you wanna go home, Mer?" he asked with worry in his voice.

Meredith grinned.

"No."

"Well, then I would s.."

Derek couldn't end his sentence as Meredith's lips suddenly came crashing down on his and they finally got lost in a kiss full of passion and love just the way they both had longed for for so long time.

_**...I need you, baby.**_

_**I need to see you - I need to hold you - tightly.**_

_

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_

A/N: I don't know if I'll continue this or if it stays a one-shot. If people seem interested, I'll probably write a couple more chapters or it even turns into a full-blown fic.

The lyrics, btw, are from Joan Armatradings "Weakness in me", where I also stole the wonderful name from. I didn't post all the lyrics on purpose, only the ones which fit into the plot.

Please leave me a review, doesn't have to be long, just some kind of feed-back for me!

Thanks again!

~Love, Leni


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